our bodies incorruptible

Life is empty and meaningless

Thu, 05 Jul 2012 13:50:00 +0200

“Playing in earnest” is creating meaning rather than “uncovering” it

Life is empty and meaningless. From a Western point of view, because life is meaningless, we suffer (nihilism). We are preoccupied with meaning, with somethingness. Our metafysics and spirituality is profoundly geared toward meaning. Observe, for example, how the dense cultural mass of christianity pulls everything in orbit around it. Christ is destined to die on the cross for our sins. Here, meaning is derived from weight (destiny) and purpose (sacrfice). See how easily this translates into relationships: are we meant for one another (destiny)? Does suffering give meaning to our relation (sacrifice)? In fact, does suffering give meaning to our lives?

A full cup is useless.

From a Zen Buddhist point of view, thinking can be less important than nothingness. It doesn’t mean anything that life doesn’t mean anything. Rather, this gives us the freedom to make it up to mean whatever we want it to. It is through creating meaning, not possessing it, that life is revealed. A full cup is useless.

The feeling of despair that is often coupled to the sense of meaninglessness can be turned into a dynamic subjective process that may lead - eventually - to a transcendence of this attitude in a transpersonal realization of “emptiness”. By confronting the existential problem of cosmic meaninglessness (meaning and nihility), you may be faced with despair when you ask, “What is my life for?” However, you can answer this question in a life-affirming way by embracing “emptiness”. Embracing emptiness involves living in a spirit of compassion. Which is a means of turning emptiness into form, by giving (“dana”) toward all sentient beings while realizing at the same time that there is no set rigid identity. It is also a means of turning form into emptiness, by overcoming the form of the ego when we ourselves forget that very same principle (“anatta”). Embracing emptiness also involves “playing in earnest”, that is creating meaning rather than “uncovering” it. Finally embracing emptiness involves appreciating the true nature of reality. There is no problem of choice, action happens spontaneously.

Always now - just now - come into being. Always now - just now - give yourself to death. Practicing this is Zen practice.
Soko Morinaga

To sum up. We rush forward into the world by the dynamic nature of nothingness (impermanence and infinity):

With compassion: “I vow to save all sentient beings, even though there are no separate individualities”.
With the attitude of playing in earnest: “Through creating meaning, not possessing it, life is revealed”.
With the attitude of ‘just this is enough’: “Where ‘just this’ is the embodiment of suchness - an appreciation of the true nature of reality in any given moment - and ‘enough’ is the cessation of comparative thought”.

Veganism

Thu, 11 Aug 2011 15:21:00 +0200

The will to be against needs a body that is incorruptible. A body that is radically unprepared to exploit or be exploited.

Adopt a vegan lifestyle. This is the single most important lifestyle change you can make for your self, for others, for our planet. A vegan lifestyle seeks to eliminate animal exploitation entirely. Vegans eat a plant-based diet and refrain from using any animal products, such as leather for clothing. There are many reasons to adopt a vegan lifestyle, here are some of the most compelling ones.

The first reason is a moral imperative: do not harm and exploit other sentient beings. One of the root causes of many of the problems we face today is the notion that I exist independently, and that the world and everything in it is somehow out there, separate from me. We are all connected. We are responsible for one another. Inflicting pain and misery on other sentient beings causes unnecessary suffering. Instead, we should act upon our compassionate impulse and work to alleviate suffering. Compassion is not just a means to realizing enlightenment, it is enlightenment manifested.

The second reason is to halt climate change. Livestock farming contributes anywhere from 18% (United Nations Food and Agriculture Organization, “Livestock’s Long Shadow”: http://www.fao.org/docrep/010/a0701e/a0701e00.htm) to 51% (Robert Goodland and Jeff Anhang, “Livestock and climate change”: http://www.worldwatch.org/node/6294) to global green house gas emissions. Climate change will drive to extinction a multitude of animal and plant species and reduce the biodiversity of our planet. As there are few things that contribute as much to climate change as the industrialized exploitation of animals, it follows that one of the key wedges against climate change has to be the adaptation of a vegan lifestyle.

The third reason is to stop environmental degradation and lower our ecological footprint. Farming animals and growing their feed contributes to a multitude of environmental problems such as deforestation, water pollution and land degradation. By reducing our ecological footprint we will put less stress on already vulnerable ecosystems and thereby increase the resilience of the natural world.

The fourth reason is to alleviate hunger in the world. A diet based around animal products is incredibly inefficient. It consumes enormous amounts of fossil fuels, water, vegetable protein, soil and land. All these resources could be better spend to feed the human population a sustainable plant-based diet.

The final reason is your own health. Study after study shows that people who eat the most animal-based foods also suffer the most chronic disease. Whereas people who eat the most plant-based foods are the healthiest and tend to avoid chronic disease (Dr. T. Colin Campbell, “The China Study”: http://www.thechinastudy.com). By eliminating animal products from your diet you can take a crucial step towards a long healthy life.

While every one of these reasons is compelling, taken together they simply cannot be ignored. There are no moral, environmental or dietary justifications for exploiting animals.

All being has intrinsic value, everything has meaning in itself and to itself and value in it’s own right, unrelated to the use value it has for you. If you resist exploitation then you must act on this understanding. The will to be against needs a body that is incorruptible. A body that is radically unprepared to exploit or be exploited. The equilibrium of the environment must be re-established. Exploitation must end. We must embrace our collectivity.

We mutants

Wed, 10 Aug 2011 17:47:00 +0200

We mutants have to become so other that we no longer become enamored with power.

Ecological disasters, material bondage, racism and xenophobia, hunt, like so many other threats this new millennium. Our societies remain stupefied, powerless before the challenges that confront it. We contribute to the pollution of air and water, to the exploitation of animals, to the destruction of forests, to disturbances of climates, to the disappearance of a multitude of living species, to the impoverishment of the genetic capital of the biosphere, to the destruction of landscapes, to the suffocation of cities, and to the progressive abandonment of cultural values and moral references in the areas of human solidarity.

The social production, now under control of a capitalist and technocratic elite, leads to a systematic over-valorisation of finance and industries, to an under-estimation of essential use-values (saving the environment, solidarity in anti-exploitation struggles), and to the flattening out and repression of desires in their singularities, that is, the loss of the meaning of life. The last limit, between depletion and “progress”, not only remains but has become absolute - the death of the planet. This limit cannot be internalized by integrated world capitalism. It can, however, be crossed.

Only the appearance of new ways of relating to the world and to society will alter the “fixation” on capital and it’s various crystallization’s of power.

Capital, in the West as in the East, is nothing more than the capital of power, that is, a mode of semiotization, of homogenization and of transmission of various forms of power (power over goods, over land, over work, over subordinates - the “inferiors”). Only the appearance of new ways of relating to the world and to society will alter the “fixation” on capital and it’s various crystallization’s of power.

Resistance, however, has become increasingly problematic, as capitalism dispenses with the need for its subjects to accept ideological or moral justifications of its (of their) existence. When it does produce precepts, one is heard with overwhelming regularity: the idea that a body can (only) serve society by serving itself. “Self-interest” is the basic capitalist expression of the Common Good. Capitalism is the ethic of greed.

Capitalism is flexible in relationships of production and in social relations. It is capable to adapt to new forms of sensibility and new types of human relationships which are “mutating” here and there. There are types of “mutants”, however, that could well be on their way to rupture and unexpected revolution. These “mutants” threaten the essential relationships on which the system is based (respect for work, for hierarchy, for State-power, for private ownership of the means of production, for the religion of consumption). The question is whether these “mutants” will remain on the outskirts of society, or whether they will put societies good-common-sense (with its fixated on power and self-interest) radically into question.

The reversal of capitalism then, invokes not only the struggle against material bondage, exploitation and visible forms of repression. But also, from the outset a becoming-other, a collective “mutating” through the creation of many alternative set-ups.

If there is a way out of the “ethic of greed”, it is right were we are: in the final constraint. The absolute limit of capitalism must be shifted back from planetary death to becoming-other. The “mutating” we are now allowed must be pushed back beyond the pale of self-interest. The last bastion of good-common-sense must come down. We mutants have to become so other that we no longer become enamored with power.

Attributed to Brian Masumi, Gilles Deleuze, and Felix Guatarri.

Neurosis

Fri, 24 Jun 2011 22:45:00 +0200

Fear

There is nothing to be afraid of. All fear is unreal. Unreal fear destroys us. It creates in us a false sense of security - the illusion that you are protecting yourself. It destroys us, keeps us from growing. Fear makes us incredibly vulnerable to manipulation by others, especially those in positions of power.

All of us have experienced fear. We were all children and very dependent. A child cannot in any way control its environment and is therefore very subject to fear. Fear is a leftover from childhood. When we are adult fear corrupts our lives. The illusion that fear protects us is one of the most dangerous and damaging illusions in human life. Without fear we would change and move rapidly - and for most people that prospect is terrifying. There is no growth or change without fear. With growth and change we move into the unknown. We violate, often unconscious, inner prohibitions that tell us that to change our lives would be damaging if not lethal. Inner prohibitions that tell us to stay where we are and defend our established identity like one defends an occupied territory.

The fear of loss or of being hurt is behind all maladaptive behaviour, all neurosis, all ‘stuckness’. Therefore there is great terror in giving up these maladaptive learnings. Change and growth seem frightful and therefore difficult to accomplish. So often we remain stuck.

Behind all neurosis is fear of hurt, loss or injury. If there were no fear of hurt, loss or injury, we would have no ‘character’, no ‘identity’, that sounds strange, but it really is quite wonderful.

The fear involved in neurosis, in ‘stuckness’, is not just of loss or being hurt, but also fear of the unformed place, the amorphous place in all transitions where we no longer are what we were and are not yet what we will become. This must be an accepted part of all transition, change, relearning and transformation. If you will not tolerate the unformed, you cannot change and you remain stuck.

Mental health is being alive, vital, vigorous, happy, able to express emotions, not corrupted by fear, ignorance or misshapen learnings. Free to explore life. Mental health is knowing what you want, what you desire, what you feel, what you believe. Mental health is accepting your autonomy, your responsibility for yourself, and your responsibility for others.

People will stay mired down in the misery of their neurosis not because they like it - no one enjoys misery - they will accept the misery of their stuckness out of fear of being hurt, out of fear of change, out of fear of mental health, of autonomy.

Fear can be defined in kinetic-motoric form. Anxiety is a level of fear that we can move toward, even though it feels bad. Fear is a level of fear that we want to flee from, run away from. Panic is fear of such a level that we cannot move - we are in a state of terror - we are frozen. Horror is something else altogether. Horror is not an inner level of fear. Horror is a response to something that actually exists, that is not just of our minds, it exists externally and we have witnessed it - that is horror.

So what are we afraid of? We are afraid of being hurt. Being hurt does not simply mean we are going to be killed. Humiliation is a form of being hurt. Shame is a form of being hurt. Embarrassment is a form of being hurt. They all destroy us, they are all little deaths, they all compress us to nothing. We are also afraid of loss of what we have. We are also afraid of injury. All these aspects of fear fall under the heading being hurt.

Fear of being hurt is behind all neurosis. ‘Character’ is the collection of adaptive mechanisms that we have learned in our life experience that are designed to prevent hurt, loss and injury, and to produce, hopefully, the most of what we desire. They are the encrustation of years of learning and experience, of identifying with certain habits and not with others, of conforming to the behaviour of our peers. If there were no fear of hurt, loss or injury, we would have no ‘character’, no ‘identity’, that sounds strange, but it really is quite wonderful.

Neurosis is the accumulation of learnings that are no longer adaptive, flexible, and are indeed destructive instead of protective or enhancing. Behind all neurosis is fear of hurt, loss or injury. These often unrecognized fears are believed, lived and maladaptive. One of the reasons why getting rid of neurosis is so slow and difficult, is that we have to face our fear of being hurt - a terrifying journey requiring courage and commitment, and, whenever possible, support.

There is nothing to be afraid of. All fear is unreal. Unreal fear destroys us. It creates in us a false sense of security - the illusion that you are protecting yourself. It destroys us, keeps us from growing. Fear makes us incredibly vulnerable to manipulation by others, especially those in positions of power.

The awful problem with fear is that it feels so bad. No wonder people handle it ineffectively. People believe that freedom is to do what they want, that there is no need for a confrontation with the self. But it is absolutely necessary for us to understand ourselves. There can be no successful revolution as long as there is a reactionary investment in the pre consciousness. As long as we are aware of what constrains us and what would make us escape, we have a chance for freedom.

Are there any things you can do yourself to decrease or release fear? Some of the most important ways to work through your own neurosis are exercise, empty sitting, breathing, counter phobic behaviour, sharing your fears, relaxation, and accepting transiency.

Exercise

If you loose the spirit of repetition, exercise will become quite difficult.

Exercise can be a major help in the treatment of fear. What is necessary is aerobic and cardiovascular training. Fear is both a psychological and a biological experience, and exercise changes your metabolism so that many metabolites that give you that exquisitely awful feeling that comes with fear, are no longer available. At first, the effect may not be dramatic, but with repeated exercise, the level of fear that you live with can be contained. If there are specific outbursts of fear, exercise is a reasonably effective treatment. You should work up a light sweat every day. You need discipline. If you loose the spirit of repetition, exercise will become quite difficult. The repetition helps you.

Empty sitting

As long as you are concerned about what you do, your focus is scattered, when you sit you will sit, when you breath you will breath, that is all.

Empty sitting calms the mind, removing the disturbing effects of large amounts of fear, fear that affects understanding and judgement. Empty sitting often allows new awareness which can be healing to come to consciousness. Empty sitting is a form of meditation, there are many, many ways to meditate, but most fail. Most require the meditator to focus his or her mind. People find that very difficult to do, and unless strongly motivated, give up meditation after a short period of time. Empty sitting is a different type of meditation, that requires no such effort of the mind.

In empty sitting the first thing to do is to sit comfortably. Close your eyes. You can think of anything you want. It really doesn’t matter. You can worry if you want - it really doesn’t matter. What you will be trying to do is not to move and not to swallow. If you do move, that’s no problem - you can then simply attempt not to move again, in a non-critical accepting manner. If a part of your body calls for attention in the form of itching or discomfort, put your mental focus to that part, and sometimes the feeling disappears. If it does not, simply scratch, or move that part of your body, and then attempt not to move. Not swallowing seems a bit stranger. It’s obvious that empty sitting should not be done directly after eating, since the particles in your mouth will cause a great deal of saliva to accumulate. Otherwise, it’s quite possible not to swallow for long periods of time. If you do swallow, this is no problem. You then simply attempt not to swallow.

Not moving affects the motoric parts of your brain and calms it down. Not swallowing affects your brain-stem, the reptilian brain, the most primitive part of your brain which is responsible for all kinds of bodily functions. Not swallowing calms that area of your brain, just as with the more usual forms of meditation. The calming of the motoric and the brain stem area will spread to the rest of your mind, and will produce most of the effects of other forms of meditation: focus and calmness and the ability to accept change.

If you wish, with time, you can add other techniques of meditation such as observing your breath as your diaphragm moves up and down. This is useful as long as you do not get overly concerned with it. As long as you are concerned about what you do, your focus is scattered, when you sit you will sit, when you breath you will breath, that is all.

As a technique empty sitting is both effective and simple. It is most desirable to practice for twenty minutes every day. Don’t expect dramatic results immediately, over a period of time your thinking will be clearer, your fear levels will decrease, your body will be more relaxed. Continue the practice of empty sitting every day.

When you are overpowered and in distress, the best way to relieve your mental suffering is empty sitting. No other activity will appease your suffering. In other restless positions you will have no power to accept your difficulties, but in empty sitting, you have great power to accept things as they are, whether they are agreeable or disagreeable. When you feel disagreeable but are powerless, it is better to sit still. There is no other way to accept your problem and work on it. Everyone can practice and in this way work on their problems and accept them. When you are practicing in the middle of your problem, which is more real to you, your problem or you yourself? The awareness that you are here, now, is the ultimate fact. This is the point you will realize by regular practice. In continuous practice, under a succession of agreeable and disagreeable situations, you will realize the value of empty sitting and acquire its true strength.

Breathing exercises

Breathe easily without straining. You may continue for as long as you wish.

Breathing has been known to be helpful in relieving fear. People who are healthier emotionally and live with less fear breathe more deeply than people who are highly neurotic and fear-ridden. You must become aware of your body and experience your breathing as the ‘breath of life’. Simply direct your attention to the exhalation, empty your lungs entirely. Slowly lower the diaphragm allowing air to enter the lungs. When the abdomen swells filling the bottom of the lungs with air expand the ribs without straining, then allow the lungs to completely fill by raising the collar-bones. The air should enter in a continuous flow. When the lungs are completely filled, breathe out, in the same sequence as when inhaling. Rest. Now breathe in again in the same way. Breathe easily without straining. You may continue for as long as you wish.

Counter phobic behaviour

The counter phobic approach to fear is doing the thing that you are afraid of.

The counter phobic approach to fear is doing the thing that you are afraid of. It is getting started. Sometimes the fear evaporates. It is certainly a better approach then obsessing about fear, not moving and closing down. It does not always work, but it works often enough that it can be useful. Sometimes, when you are fortunate, as you push yourself into fear, it disappears permanently. Often it comes back. That is the limitation of the confrontational counter phobic approach to fear. If it comes back and that’s your only approach, it means that time and again you have to will yourself to face it. We cannot operate indefinitely from a state of will - will is an emergency system in the body to force you to do something in a particular situation, but it is so stressful to us that if at all possible, other, more wholesome, systems of dealing with stress should be found.

Sharing

One of the many ways to stay in the moment, and eliminate disastrous fantasies of the future, is to talk about whatever you are afraid of.

Discussing your fears with lovers, friends, brothers or sisters, can also be extremely helpful. One of the many ways to stay in the moment, and eliminate disastrous fantasies of the future, is to talk about whatever you are afraid of with any person who is willing to listen receptively and non-judgmentally. This helps to uncover the mistaken beliefs and unreal fantasies that have distorted your life and filled it with fear. Fear is not only unreal. It is unreal to the extend that almost everything we are afraid of is our anticipation of something that is happening in the future - abandonment, humiliation, loss, failure etc. - that has not happened yet, and often never will happen. Finding the future fantasy and looking at it clearly, and realizing that it is a fantasy of the future, not a reality of the present, can often provide courage, and healing of the fear.

Telling someone of our fears can help us hear the truth and help us acquire more appropriate, more humane beliefs and expectations, it brings us closer to the here and now.

Relaxation

The most important point in releasing tension is that you should not make a special effort to do so.

When we undertake something, we direct our attention and then become tense to exert our energies for that chosen objective. But the work of doing should be followed with the “undoing” of relaxation. The “undoing” of action can be described as letting go, loosening, taking off, untying, and opening up. The most important point in releasing tension is that you should not make a special effort to do so. You cannot really undo tension while you are too bothered with it.

When it comes to relaxation, conscious effort alone is not enough. Trying hard to relax when you are tense rarely works. If you feel tense and you are trying hard to get rid of it, it will create more tension. You should instead assume a more relaxed attitude of waiting for the tension to go away by itself. All you really need to learn is that relaxing is just a matter of letting go. In order to do this, you must give up or let go of what preoccupies you. In other words it requires that one be able to set aside one’s ego and narrow self-interests. It is necessary that one learns to release tension. Tension denotes a condition of being tight or contracted. It usually indicates that one has become biased, anxious, fearful or otherwise preoccupied about one thing. Tension can inhibit free movement and the circulation of life-force in the body, anything from the ability to concentrate to the ability to feel aroused can get ‘blocked’ in this way. This is why tension is undesirable.

The circulation of your life force is always best when you are relaxed and you are not preoccupied with anything. For this breathing deeply is crucial. But also non-strenuous exercise, emphasizing relaxation, can be extremely helpful. Quiet forms of exercise are very useful for improving the function of the internal organs and the autonomic nervous system.

In order to relax or undo tension in a particular area of the body-system, one must find the obstruction and then find a way to release the tension. For this, a certain ‘awareness’ is required. Awareness is the ability to sense the whole as one. It means to perceive the dynamics of the whole body instead of becoming preoccupied with individual parts. Suppleness implies the ability to recognize and release tension anywhere in the body. The flexibility of a person is one index of suppleness. One cannot really be considered healthy unless one’s whole body, including the internal organs and nervous system, is functioning in a supple manner. Exercises which serve to restore balance and suppleness in the body-system are truly ‘exercises for health’.

Transiency

To find our composure in ‘everything changes’ is best done with others.

Without accepting the fact that everything changes, we suffer. But unfortunately, although it is true, transiency is difficult for us to accept. To find our composure in ‘everything changes’ is best done, not alone, but with others. Without realizing how to accept the truth of transiency you cannot live in this world. Whatever you may feel about it, you have to accept it.

Detoxification

Fri, 24 Jun 2011 22:40:00 +0200

You need both intelligence and self-discipline. You need intelligence to understand how to take care of your self, but in itself this knowledge is empty. You need self-discipline to act accordingly. Self-discipline needs to be seen against the background of changing needs and a changing environment. Intelligence is nothing without discipline, discipline is nothing without purpose.

The body continuously strives toward health, which it accomplishes by constantly cleansing itself of damaging toxins. The body cleanses itself, heals itself and supports itself. Food has a strong effect on the length and quality of our lives. The capacity of the body to digest food is dependend on the functioning of three daily cycli: absorbation (eating), assimilation (digesting), elimination (expulsion). Even though these functions proceed to a lesser degree constantly, each of these is more intense during certain hours of the day. From 12h to 20h absorbation (eating), from 20h to 4h assimilation (digestion) and from 4h to 12h elimination (expulsion). When you are used to unusual rhythms of waking and sleeping, your body has had time to adjust its cycles accordingly.

Elimination means the expulsion of toxic waste and superfluous weight from the body. The body maintains an equilibrium between the construction of tissues (anabolism) and the destruction of tissues (catabolism). Old cells are continuously replaced by new ones. These old cells are toxic and need to be eliminated from the body through one of four elimination channels: intestines, blatter, lungs or skin. As long as there is enough energy available to the body these toxins are eliminated.

Another cause of toxins in the body-system are the by-products of food which has not been properly digested or assimilated in the cellstructure. Foods which have been processed or cooked (fried, boiled, grilled etc. etc.), overburden the body-system. If there are more toxins entering the body than are eliminated, these get stored in excess weight. Toxins are acid, the body will retain water and ‘neutralise’ toxins in fat tissue. Toxins are stored, not in or near vital organs, but in muscles and fat tissue; thighs, buttocks, around the waist, in the upperarms and under the chin. If the body-system is overburdened for long enough, the result will not only be obesity and a host of degenerative diseases but also a general feeling of lethargy and discomfort, because the body spends a lot of energy in attempts to get rid of stored toxins.

It is important to prevent toxins from building up in the body by eliminating them. For this you need both intelligence and self-discipline. One needs intelligence to understand how to take care of the self. But in itself this knowledge is empty. One needs self-discipline to act accordingly. Self-discipline needs to be seen against the background of changing needs and a changing environment. Intelligence is nothing without self-discipline, self-discipline is nothing without a purpose. Understand that when the elimination cycle is disrupted, the body-system is forced to retain toxins and store them in fat tissue. It is crucial the elimination cycle can function efficiently and without interruptions. Therefore act on three principles which are important to maintain metabolic balance: eat foods with a high-water-content, pay attention to the combination of foods, and understand fruits.

High-water content

Our food should primarily consist of food with a high-water-content, which means that fruits and vegetables should dominate our diets.

The water present in all fruits and vegetables has a unique characteristic, different from drinking water. The water in fruits and vegetables fulfils a dual purpose of invaluable benefit to the body-system. First it transports nutrients. All vitamins and minerals and other elements in fruits and vegetables are extracted from the cellulose and fibre and transported by the water through the intestines. Here they are absorbed and utilised. Second. this water, after having deposed of its nutrients, picks up waste, toxins, and flushes them out of the body-system.

Only fruits and vegetables consist of more than 70% out of water, all other foods can be considered concentrated. Concentrated means that the water has been lost, either through processing or cooking. Our food should primarily consist of food with a high-water-content, which means that fruits and vegetables should dominate our diets. The rest can be concentrated foods such as grains, legumes etc.

Try to eat foods which retain the maximum of their original ki or life-force; fresh foods, if possible organic, which have undergone the minimum of chemical, mechanical or radioactive interference. Foods are best when they are local, in season and have not travelled far or been kept in storage.

While endeavouring to eat intelligently, try not to allow correct diet to become an obsessive concern. Within the limits of what you know to be healthy, try to eat according to inclination rather than principle. Ask your body what it needs and follow it’s promptings.

Water is of utmost importance to feed and cleanse the organism. Water transports nutrients to all the cells in the body and eliminates toxins. All the demands the body-system makes on food - vitamins, minerals, proteins, amino acids, enzymes, complex-carbohydrates, fibre, starch, phytonutrients, fatty acids etc. etc. - can be found in fruit and vegetables. The water in fruits and vegetables transports nutrients to the intestines where they are absorbed. To only drink water is not enough, because drinking water does not contain the enzymes and trace elements which water from fruits and vegetables brings into the body. All body functions and all it’s cycles function best if they are regularly supplied with water from fruits and vegetables.

All ‘living’ food contains a lot of water. Processed or degenerated food is ‘dead’, dry and no longer contains a whole range of enzymes etc. If you want to live intensively and full of energy, in an optimal health, eat living food (unprocessed, uncooked, raw fruit and vegetables). Degenerated foods support the body at the expense of ever decreasing health, vitality and energy.

Combining food

An intelligent combination of food frees up energies considerably, so that the body-system can de-toxify.

Few things are more helpful to the assimilation cycle than an intelligent combination of food. The digestion requires more energy than any other function of the body. The combining of foods is based on the understanding that certain combinations of food are easier and more efficiently digested than others. Eating should not make you feel tired, instead it should make you feel energized. If you never experience this, you are improperly combining your meals.

The body is not suited to digest more than one concentrated food at the same time. All food which is not raw fruits and vegetables is concentrated. An intelligent combination of food requires you to not eat more than one concentrated food at a meal. It is very simple.

Concentrated proteins and concentrated carbo-hydrates are not well digested when combined in the stomach. Meat, dairy and nuts (proteins) require an acid to break them down. Bread, pasta, cooked potato and grains (carbo-hydrates) require an alcalyde or base to break them down. What works for the one doesn’t work for the other, and when combined in the stomach they neutralise each other. When an acid and a base mix they neutralise each other. The body is upset and needs to produce more acids and more alcalydes. This takes time and costs energy. New juices are released in the stomach only to be neutralised again. The body panicks and more energy is needed to produce even more juices. Eventually the food, still not properly digested, is pushed into the intestines through peristaltic pressure. By now a lot of proteines are spoiled and most carbo-hydrates are yeasting. Spoiled and yeasted elements are toxic to the body-system and need to be neutralised. The whole process leaves you tired and fatigued.

Food which spoils in your digestion doesn’t give you any nutrients, but merely raises your toxin level. Though it is preferable to eat only one concentrated food at each meal, it is possible to combine concentrated carbo-hydrates (but not different proteines). Carbo-hydrates are more easily digested than proteins. Foods with a natural protein-carbohydrate combination (legumes etc.) can be broken down by the body as it times the release of both the acid and the base in the stomach. When seperate carbohydrate dense food is eaten with seperate protein dense food, then such an adjustment is not possible.

It is important to respect the limitations of your digestion. We have to free up energy for de-toxification. As the digestion requires more energy than any other regular bodily function, an intelligent combination of food frees up energies considerably, so that the body can de-toxify. A proper nurishment creates a surplus of energy, when fed we feel fit and energized.

Fruits

The vitality in raw fruits is unequalled by any other food. If fruits are eaten intelligently, they give your body an opportunity to de-toxify.

Since detoxification of the body is crucial and because foods with a high-water-content help considerably in the efforts of the body to get rid of toxins, it follows that fruits are important in any diet. Fruits consist of 80% to 90% out of water. Fruits also contain all the vitamins, minerals, carbohydrates, aminoacids and fatty acids, which the body needs. The vitality in raw fruits is unequalled by any other food. If fruits are eaten intelligently, they give your body an opportunity to de-toxify. This cleansing improves all aspects of your life.

The digestion of fruits requires less energy than any other food, almost nothing, because fruits contain their own digestion enzymes. All other food has to be broken down and transformed into glucose, fructose, glycerin, amino-acids and fatty-acids. The brain cannot function on anything but glucose. Fruit is glucose. It’s digestion, absorbation and assimilation require only a minimal fraction of the energy required to break down other foods. If properly combined, food spends one to four hours in the stomach, the more concentrated and the worse combined, the longer it remains in the stomach. Fruit does not digest in the stomach. Not even minimal. All fruits (with the exception of bananas, dades and dried fruits) pass the stomach in 20 to 30 minutes; bananas, dades or dried fruits take 45 minutes to an hour to pass the stomach. Fruit is broken down in the intestines.

Because fruit does not remain long in the stomach, fruit should not be eaten with or immediately after other foods. It will wait for hours in the stomach for the other food to be digested and ferment. Therefore it is crucial to eat fruits on an empty stomach, else it will ferment.

Fruit, more than any other food, gives the body-system what it needs to attain health. Provided it is fresh and raw. Fruit that has been processed in any way changes through heat and degenerates. All fruit, including juices, should be fresh and uncooked or many of its benefits are lost. Fruit is fragile. Fruit from a cann or cooked or pasteurised (such as juice from a concentrate) will ferment in your stomach. It will become acid and contribute to the toxin level in the body-system. No fresh (raw) fruit is acid (not even citrusfruits which are only botanically classified as such but react as a base), and all fruit helps your body to detoxify.

Preferably eat fruits for breakfast. The energy you spare in digesting other foods can be used by the body in it’s elimination-cylcle, to cleanse and de-toxify. Fruit is the only food to eat in the morning. As long as your stomach is empty, eat all the fruit you want, but let 20 to 30 minutes pass before you eat anything else. Fruit soothes the digestion and releases almost immediately energy which can be used for de-toxification, repair and other activity. From the moment you wake up till 12 o’clock eat nothing but fruit, you will create a great deal of expendable energy for the day, you will be more energized and active.

Detoxification

Detoxification is done by the body, what you need to do is not to hinder the process. Eat foods with a high-water-content. Combine your meals properly. Eat fruits in the morning.

As long as there are a lot of toxins in your body or entering into your body through processed and overcooked foods, badly combined meals, smoking, pollution and what not, the body will expend a lot of available energy to eliminate these toxins. The practice of detoxification is cleansing and is absolutely necessary. The total elimination of toxins from the body, when given a chance, will take months or years, however already after several days you will feel fitter and energized.

Detoxification is done by the body, what you need to do is not to hinder the process. Eat foods with a high-water-content. Combine your meals properly. Eat fruits in the morning. But there are a few more things you should know. It concerns protein, dairy, refined carbohydrates, and organic whole foods.

Protein

If you regularly eat raw fruits, vegetables, nuts, seeds or sprouts, you will get all the amino acids you need to build protein in your body.

For the body, fruits are the easiest to digest, protein on the other hand is the most difficult. Protein consists of amino acids. There are 25 different amino acids, 15 of which can be produced by the body and 8 need to be extracted from the food we eat: these are isoleucine, leucine, lysine, methionine, phenylalanine, threonine, tryptophan and valine. These 8 are called essential amino acids. If you regularly eat raw fruits, vegetables, nuts, seeds or sprouts, you will get all the amino acids you need to build protein in your body.

Most fruits and vegetables contain some of the essential amino acids while some fruits and vegetables contain all 8 essential amino acids: carrots, bananas, sprouts, cabbage, cauliflower, maize, cucumber, eggplant, courgette, peas, potato’s, pumpkin, sweet potato and tomatoes. Also, all nuts, sunflower-seeds and sesame seeds, peanuts and beans/legumes (black pinto beans, red kidney beans etc.) contain all 8 amino acids.

The amount of amino acids which can be used by the body found in plants, surpasses by far those found in meat. Meat gives no energy. The body requires carbohydrates to supply energy. Meat contains almost no carbohydrates. Fats can supply energy but have to undergo a complicated and inefficient digestion-process. Most importantly, fats can only supply energy when all carbohydrate reserves of the body are exhausted. Carbohydrates which are not expended are stored in the body as fat tissue. Meat also does not contain any fibres. Fibres are essential to good health. Meat is almost always processed or cooked (grilled, baked, fried, boiled etc.) which is disastrous for the possible use of amino acids, which are very fragile. Meat contains large amounts of saturated fats. In short, from a dietary perspective, meat has few, if any, advantages. All consumption of meat releases great quantities of urine acids in the body-system. In contrast to carnivores, the human body does not have the enzyme uricase to break down urine acids. There are no dietary, physiological, environmental or moral justifications for eating meat.

Dairy (milkproducts)

It is not necessary to eat dairy products to obtain enough calcium. All green vegetables contain calcium. All raw nuts contain calcium. Also most fruits contain a quantity of calcium.

As with meat, there is a lot of information which links dairy products to heart disease, cancers, arthritis, migraine, ear infection, colds, hey fever, asthma, breathing-difficulties, depressions and countless other problems. The enzymes which are necessary to break down and digest milk are renine and lactase. In the human body-system these have all but disappeared after the third year. In all milk is an element known as casein, necessary to develop heavy bones. Casein solidifies in the stomach and forms a tough, difficult to digest mass, which forms an enormous burden for the body which has to get rid of it somehow. A lot of energy is consumed , but unfortunately some of this mass sticks to the intestines, hindering the absorption of other nutrients. The result is lethargy. Also dairy products produce an acid which is very toxic and has to be neutralised and stored until eliminated. The fact that most dairy products are highly processed and contain trace elements of penicillin and anti-biotics make them an even greater burden to the body. The biggest problem of the consumption of dairy-products however is the production of mucus, which covers the glands and vital energy is wasted.

It is not necessary to eat dairy products to obtain enough calcium. All green vegetables contain calcium. All raw nuts contain calcium. Also most fruits contain a quantity of calcium. The best sources are sesame-seeds, all raw nuts, seaweeds, all green vegetables and concentrated fruits like figs, dades and prumes. The most important role of calcium in the body is to neutralise acids in the system. All dairy products (butter exepted which is a fat and neutral) are highly acid producing. The irony is that most people eat dairy for the calcium, and that the existing calcium in the system is used to neutralise the dairy they eat. To obtain adequate amounts of calcium for bones and the like, it is enough to reduce the amount of acids produced in the body-system, that way the calcium obtained from green vegetables is utilised optimally.

Refined carbohydrates

White flour is almost as useless as refined sugar and the same might be said of white rice.

Refined sugar is the worst by far, containing absolutely nothing of value to our bodies. In fact, it is an anti-nutrient because it saps our body of vitamins and minerals. Refined sugar increases insulin and adrenal hormone production which can cause health problems. Increased production of adrenal hormones causes the body to excrete essential minerals. Sugar consumption depletes the body’s supply of vitamin B and C. Many of the problems related with emotional stress are aggravated by eating a lot of sugar. Sugar feeds yeast and other one-celled organisms found in the bowel, causing them to multiply and replace more beneficial flora. These organisms produce toxins, which irritate the bowel and require the body-system to constantly expend energy to de-toxify (resulting in lethargy). Eating refined sugar causes blood-sugar swings. Blood-sugar increases immediately after consumption of sugar, prompting the body to produce insulin, excess insulin creates sugar cravings. As more sugar is eaten, more insulin is produced etc. This stresses the pancreas and sets the stage for diabetes II. Sugar consumption can make pain and inflammation worse. Sugar can cause or aggravate allergies, sinusitis, asthma, irritate bowel, candida, migraine, fatigue and depression.

White flour is almost as useless as refined sugar and the same might be said of white rice. These have had fiber, vitamin E, vitamin B, bran and germ removed. White flour and rice fill you up, but stress your digestive system and use up precious vitamins and minerals.

Organic whole foods

We can significantly improve our chances of living a longer, healthier more vibrant life, simply by eating organic whole foods.

All healthy foods share the following characteristics. They are whole foods (in contrast to adulterated or refined) foods. They are real foods complete with all their natural endowment of nutrients, and they have not been highly processed. They are rich sources of essential nutrients in their natural state, and not from artificial or synthetic sources. They are nutrient-dense, which means they contain high amounts of essential nutrients in proportion to low amounts of calories and fat. They are foods that contain no synthetic, artificial or irradiated ingredients. Whenever possible, they are organically grown to promote not only your health, but also the health of the planet. We can significantly improve our chances of living a longer, healthier more vibrant life, simply by eating organic whole foods.

Whole foods contain nothing more than the naturally occurring nutrients and phytonutrients intrinsic to the original plant or animal from which the food was derived. Whole foods retain all their vital constituents in the original form, no nutrients have been removed or remodelled, and no synthetic, artificial chemicals have been added. These chemicals are generally not derived from food, but are made (synthesized) from starting materials such as coal-tar or other non-food chemicals. Un-whole or processed foods must rely upon the addition of a variety of these synthetic compounds to make them seem to be like the whole food from which they were derived. Most often, processed foods will contain several synthetic, artificial chemicals for colouring, a variety of compounds for flavouring, and at least one chemical as a preservative.

Organic refers to ‘earth friendly’ and health-supportive methods of farming and processing foods. Weeds and pests are controlled using environmentally sound practices and sustain our personal health and the health of the planet. Organic farmers do not use pesticides, fungicides or fertilizers in an environmentally harmful manner. Because of this, organically-grown foods do not contain these potentially damaging chemicals. Many of the chemicals used in farming non-organically are classified as potential cancer-causing agents, and have been shown to damage cells, with the potential of damaging your health. Furthermore, organically grown foods are more nutrient-dense than non-organically grown foods. So, by eating organic foods, you can lessen your exposure to damaging toxins and provide your body with foods that have a higher concentration of nutrients.

Depression

Fri, 24 Jun 2011 22:36:00 +0200

The expression of our emotions frees us from our ‘stuckness’ - frees us to move on, to let go and to change.

One in five people will at some point in their lives experience a severe depression. Very often lovers, family and friends are the first line of defense. So most of us, if not all of us, will have to come to terms with depression at some point of our lives. Because of this it is useful for all of us to understand what a depression is. And what are amongst its causes.

Depression feels horrible to depressed people and to those around them. If you have never experienced this, there is a very simple exercise to demonstrate this fact. Find a partner, and for two minutes put yourself in a depressed frame of mind. Express a continuous stream of depressed thoughts and feelings. Spew out negativity over any aspect of life. Tell all the things that are wrong about you. Tell all the things that are wrong about the world. Tell all the things that are wrong about the other person. Complain about the life you lead. Complain about the government. Spew forth negativity. Then you shift and allow your partner a turn. If you are not feeling absolutely awful, you managed to turn it into a joke.

Depression can drive people to deep despair. Suicide most often is the result of deep despair. Despair is emotional pain of such great severity that there is little hope for any change or relief. When a person loses the little bit of hope that accompanies the despair. surrenders to that despair, he or she commits suicide. Evaluating the suicidal tendencies of anybody is a very important task. Always be straightforward, ask the person directly. Ask them straight, with eye contact, with no euphemisms. Ask “Are you thinking of about killing yourself?” Be very open and receptive to their response, evaluate their tone, the content, all the meta communications such as body posture, overtones, color of the skin. If they are evasive, push until you get a clear answer. The second question to ask, with the same kind of observation and clarity and intensity, is “What are your plans to kill yourself?” If the plans are clear, well thought out, the person certainly is in great danger. Should people have the right to kill themselves? This is almost an irrelevant question, because anyone, if they are determined for any length of time, even under close watch, will succeed in killing themselves.

By and large people who want to kill themselves are people with superhuman standards and expectations. In addition, people who are depressed and suicidal have disordered perceptions of reality. They think there is no hope, that they never can find love (again) or get over pain etc. etc. - none of which is true. They deserve a chance to a more accurate perception of reality. They deserve a chance to have some help humanizing their unreal expectations and standards for themselves. Besides, most suicidal people don’t really want to die. They just want to be out of the pain, they just want it to go away for a little while.

Suicide is murder of the self. People who are considering suicide often think they are hurting themselves, but no one else, that everyone will be better off without them. This is devastatingly untrue. Everyone who cares about or knows a person who commits suicide is deeply damaged by the suicidal event. Sometimes suicide is used as a means to get back at someone. One aspect of suicide that suicidal people often overlook is that they are very angry. The anger mostly gets turned against themselves. But although they may be harming themselves, it is an indirect way to hurt, to get even with others.

Suicide and depression are very close to each other. There are many things that can cause a depression. There are biological depressions, the best known of which is manic depressive disorder. People with this dysfunction can either be depressed or hyper energetic; not needing sleep, hyperactive, speaking rapidly, a very high ‘up’ mood, but one which doesn’t feel pleasant for any length of time and which soon turns to irritability if they are disagreed with. There are a range of organic causes of depression which seem almost endless. Copper poisoning is just one. Lack of certain essential nutrients such as omega-3 fatty acids another. Food allergies are a controversial cause of depression, and there are environmental allergies that can cause depression. Viruses can cause depression, because some viruses can become chronic, with endless fatigue. Who wouldn’t become depressed if they were always tired?

Depression can also be brought onto you by yourself. Depression means to press down. What is pressed down? Emotions. Repression of emotions is major cause of depression. Emotion - e-mote - means to move out, to be expressed. Chronic psychological depression often appears when major belief systems that help sustain and direct our lives break down. When they break down they frustrate forward movement in life. Our beliefs are the compass that sets the direction of life, the cornerstones on which decisions are made. When they are dysfunctional, depression results. Until our dysfunctional belief systems are replaced by new, appropriate beliefs, life founders in apathy, indecision and depression.

In all psychogenic depressions there are suppressed, powerful emotions that are behind the loss of beliefs. We are angry that we were misled. We are frightened of giving up beliefs. There is pain that these beliefs were foisted upon us by those we love. There is sadness at the loss of faith in those who taught us. Remember, emotions need to move out, they need to be expressed.

It is important in relieving depression to get in touch with and discharge these emotions. Every depression, even psychological depression, is a biological event. This is most obvious in severe depression, where there is a great decrease in energy, metabolism is measurably lowered, the contraction of the intestines is slowed down and there are many, many other changes. All thoughts are biological events. Every change in thought, every feeling, changes your biology.

What emotions are most commonly repressed in depression? Pain, anger and fear. With pain we are afraid that we will be overwhelmed; with anger that we will damage others or be unacceptable; with fear that we will be paralyzed, uncomfortable, unable to move. Other emotions which can be repressed are: Sadness - which always represents a normal, organismic response to any kind of loss - if unacceptable to our consciousness, unacceptable to express, can result in depression. The common fear with sadness is that it will be so overwhelming that you will never emerge from sadness. Most people use the metaphor of drowning, of being in a pool of sadness, from which they will never emerge. Much more rare are suppressed and forbidden joy and reverence. People who were punished when they were joyous as a child are very often afraid to express joy as an adult. The mystic experience of reverence or reverential ecstasy, often violates deeply held intellectual beliefs, but most commonly it is unacceptable because it opens the possibility of radical change. Closing of the heart - the depressing, the suppression of love - makes all of us less happy, more irritable, and sour, creating what appears to be a low key depression.

Emotions are bodily expressions of mental states. There are many techniques for discharging emotions that have been depressed. Anger can be brought up by vigorous exercise. Pain can be discharged through crying, even making believe, pretending that you cry can help relieve depression caused by held down pain. Sadness is discharged through sighing.

If you are depressed, even a little depressed, there is a very simple exercise to help you identify which emotions are the ones causing your trouble, which emotions are the ones being held down. You simply say out loud, “I do not want to feel my ______ “, and serially insert each emotion. Listen to your body-mind-system, in all parts of yourself, for any response that says yes or no. The purpose is to discharge emotions - to open channels of clogged emotions, to free the moving out of all the range of emotions that are necessary for our emotional, and indeed our physical health. The emotions to be felt and expressed are ANXIETY, FEAR, ANGER, PAIN, SADNESS, LOVE, JOY, SEXUAL FEELINGS, TRANQUILITY and REVERENCE.

The expression of our emotions frees us from our ‘stuckness’ - frees us to move on, to let go and to change.

Relationships

Fri, 24 Jun 2011 19:25:00 +0200

Autonomy

As the infant becomes child, as the child becomes youth, as the youth becomes adult, a separation of boundaries moves to become established. In most of us, this separation and the experience of personal autonomy and love, have never been completely achieved.

Therapists and councillors estimate that at most 5 % to 10 % of relationships are truly happy, another 5 % to 10% are quite good, with everyone else living in various states of unhappiness and misery. There is a strange phenomenon in mating: we choose someone who has desirable qualities and characteristics that we do not have, and then attempt to force them to be just like us. With the loss of boundaries, and the attempt to convert two people into one, comes an inevitable event that we call a power struggle. The attempt to dominate. the attempt to make the other a copy of oneself. This oneness worked in childhood, in adulthood it produces a living, interpersonal hell.

As the infant becomes child, as the child becomes youth, as the youth becomes adult, a separation of boundaries moves to become established. In most of us, this separation and the experience of personal autonomy and love, have never been completely achieved. It must be a very difficult separation to make since so rarely do we find autonomy, separate boundaries and the experience of love exist together. For most of us, the separation, the autonomy, happens only in part. It is this heritage that we bring with us when we join our lives together with another person.

The universal characteristics of a power struggle fight are a knot in the stomach, an argument in which each partner justifies themselves, attempts to persuade the other of the incorrectness of their position, resulting in absolutely no healing, no hearing, no movement - only deadlock, anger, pain and frustration. When you feel that you are in a power struggle, the only sensible behaviour is to stop that discussion, that fight, and separate with the agreement to come back later and try to resolve whatever issues are on the table in a more positive way.

A union without loss of boundaries is not without the stresses and difficulties of life, but they are dealt with without ugliness, attack or power struggle fighting. In an autonomous relationship, each person is intuitively aware of themselves, and feels totally responsible for his or her own behaviour and reactions - without blaming the other. When there is coming together, it is comfortable and fluid. Each person easily moves apart into separate activity. Separate feelings, separate attitudes, separate thoughts, are all permitted. There is as much a sense of standing alone in the world in such a union as if one were separate and living alone - with the exception that you know that you have a very special, loving friend.

Sometimes, when boundaries are severely ruptured and one person blends in completely and submits to the other, the effect is a tragedy that most of us have seen: one of the partners will have no thoughts of his or her own, limited interests, lacks vitality, has a tendency toward depression and suffers anxiety attacks.

When you try hard to realize your autonomy, you will help others, and you will be helped by others. As long as you are dependent you cannot help anyone, and no one can help you. It is only when there is a union in which boundaries are maintained that a sense of newness, pleasure and excitement can be sustained.

Love

“No matter how much I deserve it. No matter how much I want it. I will never be loved and cared for in exactly the way I imagined I would be loved and cared for”. Once you accept this, you can move into accepting the joy of love that does come to you.

All our experiences of love are basically the same. We love people more or less, but not really very differently. The love we feel is affected by the time we spend with the person; the intelligence, attitude and values of that person, and what we feel is appropriate with that person. Whenever there is love there is a welling up of feeling of well-being, of warmth, a feeling of lightness, of joy, a desire to be physically close, or to touch, which can lead to a crescendo of sensual desire.

The desire to touch is an aspect of communication and love. All people falling in love experience the intense feeling of contact with the loved one, or at least the illusion of contact. To some degree the lover must feel that he or she has found someone who understands, whom they can be honest with, with whom they can make themselves vulnerable.

It is important to know that we cannot help who we fall in love with, it is an unconscious process. The only freedom of choice we have is to decide, not who we fall in love with, but whether we wish to pursue the loving relationship. Is all love true love? Obviously not. There is instead the illusion of love, romantic love. The feeling of becoming one with the other person. The feeling of having one’s life instantly fulfilled with the other. The fantasy of fusion, of confluence, oneness with the other. The fantasy of loss of self within the relationship. This substitutes for communication and knowing. It substitutes for true love. Romantic love, the love of illusion, is a seductive alternative to real love. Romantic love is intoxicating. For a while, romantic love provides a feeling of warmth and a desire for physical contact, a feeling of total fulfillment. Most of our loves either start out as romantic love or are a combination of true and romantic love. The degree of both is crucial in any long-term relationship.

Love is a genuine knowing, romantic love an illusion of who the other is. The more intimate a relationship, particularly one filled with romantic love, with it’s unreal expectations and fantasies, the less likely you are to be correct in knowing what the other thinks, feels, believes and desires. This is all the more true when a relationship gets into trouble. Never assume with someone you’re close to, when there is a difficult situation, that you really understand. Always ask, always check your beliefs and assumptions out, ask for confirmation. When there is difficulty in an intimate relationship, it is much more important that communication be very complete and detailed. The more there is disharmony, the more it is important and necessary to rely on accurate information and to avoid assumptions, to ensure that there is a minimum of possibility that you are dealing with fantasy. Any argument based on assumptions and fantasy, on illusion, can have no positive resolution.

In romantic love there is no true communication. There is projection. There is a denial of individuality, an attempt to confirm both partner’s illusions. As romantic love decays, there is an increased feeling of emptiness, loneliness and frustration. Depression and anger replace passion. This has to happen. This must happen. Because sometime, some place, reality intrudes. Illusion is harder and harder to maintain, eventually collapsing.

Part of the stripping of illusions is also that the person you fell in love with, in reality, is not the same person you are with in five years. People change. They grow, regress or stagnate. After five years you are not with the same person you first started out with, and also your own needs and desires change. Everything is moving. Always. What often happens as illusions fade, is: “You’re not the way you should be. You’re not the way you gave yourself to me. You’re not the way you were when we got together. I am betrayed.” In any social system, for a betrayer no punishment is severe enough. And so a power struggle and manipulation replace love. If this is not overcome with knowing, rage ensues, and there is a constant deadly anger. The relationship is over, destruction takes it’s place.

The symptoms of a severely deteriorated romantic relationship are very common. There is a great deal of criticism, there is defensiveness, and even worse, contempt and withdrawal. There is nothing so final as withdrawal. There is nothing so deadly to a relationship as contempt. If, on the other hand, illusion is replaced by knowing, we have to decide if the new awareness and vision of the other is desirable and nourishing to us. This can be done in good faith by both lovers. If the answer is no, communication becomes clear, the relationship as lovers ends, with a good chance to be replaced by friendship. If the answer is yes, communication becomes clear, love and sensuality flow. In a way we must have many relationships with the same person. As reality intrudes, if we like what we see, we recommit to the relationship. This is the only way that sensuality and sexuality can be maintained over time. We have to have many loves with the same person, which is exciting and moral at the same time. None of this is easy.

When you are hurt, it is very important, it is very valid, to close down and withdraw for a while, to let yourself heal with time. But then it is vital that you open again. That you give yourself to the world. For only loving matters, only knowing. Not having loved, not having known. When you dedicate your life to a consumed love, desire for life no longer grows. You have to let go. You have to empty yourself in order to receive. Opening you heart to others is an important part of life. There is no joy in life without an open heart. When your heart is closed or filled to the brim with resentment, anger or sorrow, you feel and act as a black sun. It looks very much like a low grade depression, in which you can function, but there is no joy to you or to anybody else around you. An open heart is dangerous. The danger is that you will be hurt, that there will be pain. But without an open heart and taking that risk, life is a living emptiness, you move through life never really experiencing the fullness of life.

The more you open up your heart to others, the more you need wisdom - the clear vision of what others are like - the more you need self-esteem - the clear vision of who you are, an appreciation and valuing of yourself. When you have wisdom and self-esteem, you can avoid, and protect yourself against other people’s predation.

The most important parts of our lives are not under our control. We cannot choose when we were born and which family we are born into. We cannot choose whom we fall in love with or feel attracted to, and we cannot choose when we die and how we die. We fool ourselves if we think differently. Our lives through a large measure are not under our control. We cannot help whom we fall in love with or whom we attract until our awareness and consciousness change.

Because many of our expectation of love are based on our childhood experiences, unfulfilled childhood desires and childhood fantasies, adult love will never fit the picture that we bring to each other. Also, in this regard, realize that movies and books don’t help very much, and they often hurt. “No matter how much I deserve it. No matter how much I want it. I will never be loved and cared for in exactly the way I imagined I would be loved and cared for”. Once you accept this, you can move into accepting the joy of love that does come to you. You can get part of what you hoped for, but you may also get a great deal of love that comes in a different shape and a different mode than you expected, and a lot of that may be a great deal better than anything you had anticipated. Enjoy your love, and go slow, and observe.

Self esteem

Self esteem, far from taking away our ability to love others, as self-centredness, egotism and arrogance do, makes loving others easier, pleasanter, more fluid and simpler.

Self esteem is a major facet of love. Self esteem provides us with protection against the pain and vulnerability of love. Self esteem and self respect, are not to be confused with self-centeredness, egotism or arrogance. Self esteem is how you feel about yourself, the amount of love and caring that you feel for yourself. Self respect is a variant, an aspect of self esteem but related to how you see yourself, as equal or unequal to others around you. Self-centeredness has nothing to do with self-love, but has to do with paying attention only to one’s own interests, needs and values, with no attention to anyone else other than the self. Arrogance is the illusion that you are superior to those around you. With self esteem, there is a clear vision about yourself, clear vision about who you are, clear vision about your capabilities and boundaries, clear vision about your relationship to and valuing of others. So with self esteem and self respect, there is no necessity for self-centeredness, egotism or arrogance.

Self esteem, far from taking away our ability to love others, as self-centredness, egotism and arrogance do, makes loving others easier, pleasanter, more fluid and simpler.

Self esteem is for an important part determined by the amount of unconditional love and support you received as a child. It is very hard to change self esteem, it requires a lot of work. It happens slowly. Every time you struggle against low self esteem, self negation, you are putting more energy into it. It strengthens the negativity rather than weakening it.

When any part of yourself that is undesirable, that is harmful and sickening, feels normal and natural, the word for that is ego syntonic. It feels comfortable, it feels as if it belongs. You have been doing this self negation for so long, it seems like a natural part of yourself. You don’t even have to think about believing it. You have to try to make ego syntonic thinking and attitudes ego dystonic, so that they feel uncomfortable, they feel foreign, they feel that they don’t belong. You have to recognize them, feel their disharmony and feel how wrong they are. As they leave our consciousness and are separated from us, they no longer have any validity and disappear.

Equality

In a relationship of equals there is no place for expectations and demands.

For most of us this is difficult to understand and practice. Love has no expectations. Love has no demands. In a relationship of equals there is no place for expectations and demands - only wishes, hopes, dreams, preferences, desires - no expectations or demands. This sounds very much like what is called unconditional love, and indeed it is. When most people hear this idea, this philosophical position, is necessary for sustaining and deepening a mature love relationship, their immediate reaction is of disbelief. How can you have an intimate relationship in the real world without demands and expectations? In truth, you can only have a loving, intimate relationship in the real world when demands and expectations are non-existent.

The moment demands and expectations are entertained, the love relationship of equals is no longer equal. What one has instead is a hierarchical relationship, a relationship from a position of power: “I know what you should be doing”. From this position of “knowing what you should be doing” is created the platform that launches criticism and contempt.

In a love relationship, when demands are not met, there is disappointment and anger. When expectations are not met, there is disillusionment, judgmentalness, even feelings of betrayal and contempt. For the betrayer in what is believed to be a love relationship, no punishment is too severe, until the betrayer lives up to demands and expectations. So love is subverted to issues of power and submission. Power struggles emerge and love dies.

It is crucial to understand that expectations are not only placed on the other, but also on oneself. A common, brutally destructive expectation, is that “I have to make you happy. If you are not happy then I have failed”, resulting in feelings of guilt, resentment and hostility. Expectations toward the self are particularly destructive, they produce stress, self-torture, fear, discouragement, exhaustion and a sense of failure.

Love, which can have no demands or expectations, moves through life without submission, contempt or resentment.

Generosity

When you sense that your partner’s desire is stronger than your desire, you accede to your partner, and in this accession you are being generous.

Many times you can hear the statement that in relationships, in an intimate relationship, you have to make compromises. No compromises are ever necessary. Compromises, to compromise oneself, breeds a sense of submission and dominance, of inevitable resistance and resentment, of unhappiness.

Generosity takes the place of compromise. When you sense that your partner’s desire is stronger than your desire, you accede to your partner, and in this accession you are being generous - not because you are submissive but because you sense this difference in desire, and you would like to be together. So you offer yourself with no resentment.

It is only when issues are crucial that generosity is NOT appropriate. On crucial issues, for the quality of your life and your values, when there is disagreement, there needs to be strong discussion, even creative argument. Only when everything is cleared, and lit by the intensity and passion of these vital issues, can the issues be closed.

Communication

Listening and speaking are at the centre of love.

You cannot say that you love someone and not listen to them compassionately. Listening and speaking are at the centre of love. Compassionate response depends on our being straightforward with one another. Compassionate hearing can be defined as hearing the other with total attention and a non-judgmental attitude. A compassionate response to what has been heard shows that the content and overtones have been sympathetically registered.

In a loving relationship, the way in which we say something is sometimes more important than the words. When the tone of voice and words support each other, the message is powerful, penetrating and clearly heard. In an intimate relationship, when there is dissonance between the manner of speech, the messenger, the voice tone and the message, it is the tone of voice that will be responded to, not the content. The responses to dissonance are usually instantaneous and destructive - anger, withdrawal, counterattack, sullen silence - it is necessary to have an instantaneous healing response when dissonance and disharmony are present.

Kindness

The persistence of love and passion requires kindness and a constant cleansing and healing of each fragment of emotional pain.

Much of the world is exploitative, invasive, hostile, indifferent and dangerous. Without kindness this produces a hell for us to live in. Kindness is the recognition that we are all fragile creatures. We are all fragile physically. Our bodies can be damaged in an instant. But we are also fragile emotionally, we are easily hurt, easily violated. Kindness is the recognition that this is true. And with that recognition allow for tenderness to flow from us. There is no relationship that is more fragile than that of two people who love each other. Love exposes us, and, again, we are easily hurt. A true lover knows this and responds to it with kindness.

Each wound, each hurt, in a loving relationship, is multiplied many times by the vulnerability that comes with love. Each hurt that is not expressed, healed, ended, is turned into a building block of a wall that becomes a barrier between the former lovers. Almost everyone, when they first get together, are filled with love and tenderness and sensuality, and great hope for the future. But as the wall of unresolved pain is built, the love and the sensuality slowly die.

Usually the building of the wall is a gradual task. At first, the wall of building blocks made of unresolved pain reaches as high as the knees, and the formerly loving couple are less graceful in their movement together. Then it reaches to their waist and sex dies. Then the wall is raised to the chest, and love dies. As it grows higher and higher, the formerly loving couple cannot even see each other, and all that is left is apathy and estrangement.

The persistence of love and passion requires kindness and a constant cleansing and healing of each fragment of emotional pain.

Patience

If you are tuned in to the rhythms of anything outside of yourself, and in that attuning accept that there are rhythms other than your own, you have developed patience.

Patience is an aspect of wisdom. Wisdom being defined as the clear understanding of the nature of things. A clear understanding of how people, systems, anything operates. If you are tuned in to the natural rhythms of anything outside of yourself, and in that attuning accept that there are rhythms other than your own, you have developed patience. It is important to be aware of the rhythm of all things. To want others - the rest of nature, the universe - to move in rhythm with your own rhythm is an extreme egotism, so that patience, true patience, is a step toward egolessness, which is desirable.

There are countless opportunities for the exercise of patience (or impatience) in an intimate relationship. No two people’s rhythms can be identical. One of the great virtues of living alone is that patience is less of an issue or a problem. Each attunement to the others rhythm, each attunement, creates an opportunity for kindness and communion that will be sensed on a level that calls forth a feeling of being accepted and loved. Impatience violates boundaries. Accepting the rhythm of your partner and your partner’s time frame, your partner’s own rhythm, creates harmony, warmth and deepens love.

Honesty

It is absolutely essential that you know - and that it be true - that your partner will treat you honestly and straightforward.

“I place you, next to my basic self interest and my responsibility for others, as the most important thing in the world, and I would like that from you”. This is in essence the level of trust that is needed. It is absolutely essential that you know - and that it be true - that your partner will treat you honestly, straightforward, and will live up to most of your agreements.

When there is jealousy, lying or infidelity, these are just secondary manifestations that this level of trust does not exist. Jealousy is born from feelings of insecurity, inferiority or mistrust. What is more, jealousy can never be appeased. You, or your jealous partner, will always need more proof. Do not tolerate jealousy. As for infidelity, a relationship between two people becomes seldom better or more clear by extending the relationship to a triangle.

Communion

Communion is a sharing of the basic elements of our humanity.

Communion can be defined as communication beyond the level of problem solving, shared interests and idle chatter. If no one can say they love unless they listen, when what is received and listened to is at the level of communion, love is enriched and infinitely deepened.

Communion is a sharing of the basic elements of our humanity. Communion is the sharing of our hopes, our pains, our fears, our humiliations, our foibles, our triumphs, our beliefs, our values. Communion is wondering together, from the centre of our vulnerable humanness, about the meaning of life and the meaning of death.

Acceptance

Pain must be accepted in order to have love.

Accept pain, fear and vulnerability. Along with love, companionship, pleasure and sexuality, inevitably there is pain and vulnerability at every level. There is no one who can hurt you as deeply as someone you love. With the gift of love and sexual pleasure comes an incredible level of sensitivity.

We all know that a stranger can do something unpleasant, and it’s fairly easy to brush it off. A similar statement or act by your lover feels devastating. The same statement or act unfortunately occurring in the midst of making love is intensified tenfold. In good lovemaking all the defences are down. Many of us need to feel relaxed (which means an absence of expectations and pressure) and loved (which requires true communication: the ability to talk and listen) before we can be sexual.

The fears that often seems to accompany an intimate, loving relationship, with the inevitable vulnerability, are: “I’ll be left alone” -or- “I’ll lose myself in you and I won’t exist anymore” -or- “You’ll damage me in some way” -or- “I am not good enough for you” etc.

YOU MUST ACCEPT PAIN. You must accept fear. You must accept vulnerability. You must accept pain, it is the other side of love. Pain must be accepted in order to have love. It’s a package deal; there are no exceptions for anyone.

The fear and pain of loving is not a steady thing, but can go through ruptures of intense changes. If you are fortunate and your relationship lasts and is a good one, as the degree of love and therefore vulnerability reach new and unfamiliar heights, fear and pain intensify - many people are not willing to go through these explosions of pain and agony, even despair.

It is one of the difficult quirks, one of the paradoxes of life, that there is no life without love, and there is no love without pain.

"Copyleft"

Fri, 24 Jun 2011 17:47:00 +0200

“Copyleft”

-
What is good in this blog belongs to no one - we blind ourselves to the fact that none of our works is truly original - that we constantly re-purpose and re-contextualize works and ideas of others - we need to free ourselves from the signature of the author, and develop a more collaborative, communal approach to knowledge creation.

The copyleft license extends the concept of ‘fair use’ to any use which is not commercial, allowing people to copy and spread the images and texts in this blog by any means, provided they do not try to sell them or make any profit our of them.